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Lose 40 Pounds in 80 Days

Oh, I'd show the world, all right.

Especially that pesky insurance man who had been avoiding me the past five years.

How he used to annoy me with free lunches and free cigars!

That was before I went over the 200 mark and became a liability.

Well, when he saw the new Elmer coming down the street, he wouldn't duck around the corner any more. I could just see him trailing me again. Only this time when he cornered me and started caressing my lapel and saying, "Shall we see the doc, Elmer?" I'd take three of his best cigars, his "El Bueno Risko" brand that he saves for those he knows will pass the medical exam, and I'd quietly give him the business as I merrily went my way.

"Why, Phil," I'd purr, "you wouldn't want an old diabetic like me with gravel in his gall bladder, would you?"

I'd fix him.

Oh, yes - and that fat wife of the broom salesman. I'd sidle up to her some fine day, when a lot of her best friends and worst backbiters were around, and say:

"Mazie Belle, see if you can do this!"

Then out of sheer meanness, I'd bend over and touch my toes. Straight knees and everything.

That would take care of her.


I'M GONNA DIET - AGAIN

So, as I snored on, I made up my mind I'd diet once more. I could just see myself astride old Tar Baby, my horse, with all the cowgirls making sheep's eyes at me as we trotted by them.

I was tired of them giggling behind my back, "Look at Old Fatso." I wanted to sit in my saddle and look tall, dark and handsome, instead of like a Mack Sennett Mexican general.

I was tired of always being the one who had to serve the food and drinks while the rest of the gang was playing Post Office and other educational games in the front parlor. I was tired of being the one whose Special Delivery letters always came back marked "Return to Sender." I wanted to get within kissing distance of the ladies again.

I wanted to be able to click glasses with the lasses without having to hold mine out at arm's length. Ah, yes - good old Post Office. I could just feel those warm lips on my cheeks. I'd almost forgotten how they felt. But I could feel them now almost as clear as if I wasn't dreaming.

Then my eyes fluttered open, and I found myself looking into the warm, long-lashed, brown eyes of Josef, my Doberman. He gave my face another lick.

"Down, Joe!" I ordered. "You're no lady!"


Next: I Start Losing Weight

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